Little One is Struggling.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted again! I hate when that happens, but it just seems to happen and then all of a sudden it’s been weeks since I posted and it’s then difficult to just come back.

The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. I’ve been super worried about my little one, Seren. Since she’s been back in school, she has been struggling a lot with her emotions and anxiety. She’s also been incredibly “clingy”, I hate that word, it sounds way too negative as if she’s being naughty, but basically, she hasn’t wanted to leave my side to do anything. She’s even struggling with going to school and so forth and when the opportunity came up to go and see family, she immediately said, “No”, and got upset with the thought of leaving. Normally, she would have been really excited, she loves going to see family.

Seren went on a school trip last week, and she was excited and happy about it. It made me feel that she was, “getting better”, and perhaps it was just a difficult phase, and that maybe she was feeling better (I’m not sure if I believed it, or was just hoping so much that it was true). However, she came back from her trip, and was still happy for a few days, and enjoyed spending the weekend with me telling me tales from her trip, but as soon as she went back to school, she started struggling again. It’s so upsetting to see her so sad, she’s crying quite a lot. It’s just so unusual compared to the Seren that spent the summer holidays with me. She’s usually so bouncy and self assured, yes she had occasional panic attacks but that was it, right now, she’s a shadow of her former self. I’ve checked with school, and they say the same, that she’s not herself, but that there seems to be no indication as to why she feels the way she does. She’s not being bullied, she’s excelling at her work, but she withdraws from her friends and wants to be left alone, and gets upset when someone wants to talk to her.

I feel incredibly powerless. I’ve been trying everything to try and help her, but nothing seems to be working. I took her to the doctors as she has also been struggling with stomach aches and she’s been referred to child mental health services. She also has a lot of help with Barnado’s as she’s a child carer. She’s been doing mindfulness and yoga, helpful again but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I just want to make her better and I can’t. The only time she seems happy is when she’s home with me playing games, or drawing, so we’ve been doing a lot of that! It’s hard to “force her” to go out because I know exactly how she feels, and I say force because encouragement does not work. I also don’t want to make her worse and want her to know that I support her. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best and I’m so worried about her turning out like me. I think though, I could be the perfect mother, and I still would probably feel that I’m not doing enough. It’s the way she looks at me when she’s sad, it’s like she’s saying “Help me”, with her eyes and I just can’t.

Also, the things she says to me are heartbreaking, “No one except you seems to understands me”, “I feel like I can’t be myself”, “Other people don’t think about things the way I do”. To me, that’s just a big indicator of her not being well because she has best friends, and I asked her if she thinks they understand, because one of her friends is also a child carer with very similar circumstances and she said, “Yes, she makes me feel better”. So people do understand, but “no one understands”, is what I say a lot when I’m ill, despite the fact I’ve met a lot of bloggers that I know understand. Most of the people on my Facebook friends list and Xbox also understand and just get me and I don’t need to explain myself to them.

Therefore, we haven’t been doing a lot for the past month and a half since she’s been ill, and I’ve been giving her the attention she needs when she asks for it, so I’ve neglected things like drawing, and writing because when I do get time to myself I feel exhausted because yes, this is hard for me too. I haven’t had the time to think about me, she comes first and yes I should look after me too, but it’s just so hard. I’ve just been playing a few video games and watching TV when she goes to bed before going to bed myself and laying there worrying until I fall asleep.

So that’s where I’ve been. I have a few posts lined up though, I played the Star Wars beta and that cheered me up a lot, and the new Life is Strange episode is out today so I might play that later. I just felt like maybe I should tell you where I’ve been before I just start posting again.

Shadow of the Day



I absolutely love the song, “Shadow of the Day” by Linkin Park. Whenever theres a song I really love, and I listen to it, I always imagine it in art form. So the pictures are what I see every time I listen to the song! I really enjoyed drawing the bottom picture the most.
You can interpret these lyrics many different ways, but, whenever things get really tough, or I’ve had a really bad day or something, you can find me at the window, looking at the sunset. I see sunset as an ending, this day has ended, and it’s done now. Tomorrow might be different to today, tomorrow the sunrise will bring new hope. My mantra when I was really ill was, “Wait until tomorrow, tomorrow might be different”, and you know what? Eventually it was different. How relieved I am that I waited until tomorrow.

These are a few of my favourite feelings (Part 1)

As someone with a mental health condition, it’s easy to get overwhelmed with the negative feelings, so much so, it’s easy to concentrate on them and think that’s all I have. This is not true, I have plenty of positive feelings, and feelings that I love.

The great thing about my positive feelings is, they are so awesome these days, my feelings were so dulled down when I had an eating disorder, I felt too numb, or hungry to feel other things as intensely as I do now. These feelings mean a lot to me, because I feel like they are a reward for slogging through recovery, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and now, a reward for kicking ED’s behind.

Therefore I decided to make this list, to concentrate on the positive side of my feelings post recovery. It was quite hard to do actually, which was rather surprising, but I think it’s because my positive feelings say more about me and my personality than my negative feelings do. Of course, I’m not saying that all of my negative feelings are mental health related, I get angry, sad etc just as much as the next normal person, but the negative feelings I concentrate on or get overwhelmed with are mental health related and when I am feeling them, it sometimes feels that, that’s all I can feel. No, I do feel good things, and I’m going to focus on them for this post and for however many more posts it takes to highlight my favourite feelings. My brain will just have to deal with it.

My daughter giving me a hug when she’s been away somewhere, like on holiday or at school.

1hugsObviously, normal everyday hugs are also the best feelings in the world and I love when Seren falls asleep on me, but when she’s been away at school or on holiday, it’s like my body has entered this state of being on high alert. When I hug her when I collect her from school, there’s this peace inside of me, it feels biological, and everything inside of myself relaxes. I think it’s connected to a feeling of safety, as if we have been reconnected to fight the world together again. It’s such a great feeling. I also know I have to cherish these moments too, because she’s growing up and soon it probably wont be cool to hug your mum when you get out from school. I do want to and am actively encouraging her independence, but I’ll take all the hugs I can get while I can.

Meeting someone who I have an instant connection with and share multiple attributes in common.


I met someone recently, and it just made me feel, “Thank goodness you are here right now, I feel better knowing that there is a person like you in the world”, and I think I could have talked to him for an eternity.
The connections I’ve made on my blogs, Facebook, gaming websites and obviously offline, over the years, have led to amazing friendships, and these people helped, and continue to help me to this day and I am so grateful for them. I love them and care about them dearly. They also just, “get me”, I don’t have to explain anything to them because they already get it, so we can concentrate on talking about other things. It’s so great when you don’t have to continually and constantly explain yourself to people.
You know your connection with someone is strong, when you don’t see each other for years, but you pick up right where you left off. This has happened to me too, a primary school friend who I was close with and I met up years and years later because of Facebook, and it was so amazing. It was like we hadn’t been away from each other.
When I talk to someone I have a connection with, I find myself saying, “YES!”, very enthusiastically, a lot! “YES!! I’m so glad you get it!”.

Learning and getting better at stuff.

Screen Shot 2015-08-12 at 21.05.28

I love to learn things, it keeps my brain functioning and has in the past, actually and literally kept me alive. When I was a teenager, I used learning things as a coping mechanism.

A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to be good at art. My dad was an incredibly talented artist, and I remember just being in complete awe watching him draw, and I wanted to be good too, even though, I knew I’d never be as talented as him. Seriously, he was that good, it’s like trying to recreate the Mona Lisa, impossible, but I knew that didn’t mean that I couldn’t get better.

The first pieces of art I did on a website I was a member of were really bad, no seriously, they were really bad. After about 6 months of drawing nearly everyday when my daughter who was 3 at the time was asleep, I became a featured artist on the website, directly because of that, a lot of my art suddenly got tonnes of likes and views, and people would help me in the comments.
“Have you tried using this tool?”, “If you layer up the opacity it will make things appear to shine brighter”, and after a whole year, I was drawing things I never thought I would ever be able to do. It just proves that we all have the capacity to learn things, and get better at things, and don’t worry if there are people out there already doing it better than you, because what matters is your enjoyment, and I love being better at art now, it gives me this great feeling. The great thing about art too, is there is always more to learn. I know I can still get better.
The dolphin above was drawn on the websites basic paint program.

The feeling I get when I load up Mass Effect.

There is no other game on the planet that gives me the feels quite as much as Mass Effect does. I can’t even describe it, but it feels so good! It’s basically my go to when I feel like complete crap, because no matter what I’m experiencing, even if it’s something really very bad, I can guarantee that I will feel at least a tiny, little bit better. It might not be enough to get me out of a crisis, but at those points in time, I will take anything I can get.

The feeling I get when I talk to people at conferences about Eating Disorders.


After I finished talking at my first conference, there was a really loud applause. I instantly felt this feeling wash over me, it led to goosebumps! I think it might have been pride, but I’m not that familiar with pride because I’m usually putting myself down. I loved this feeling. People came up to me afterwards and told me how I brought them to tears, how I changed the way they see mental health problems, and told me how I was inspirational. Although these words of being an inspiration are something my brain totally disagrees with “No Rhio, I don’t, you’re still not good enough”, it was so great to have people come up to me and tell me how my real actually happened to me story changed them somehow. Amazing!

When you watch non-linear or complicated movies or read non-linear or complicated books, and all of a sudden, understand everything!


My favourite movie of all time is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s hard to talk about it without spoiling it, and it’s on Netflix and Amazon if you want to watch it. It’s my favourite movie not just because of the story, but the way it is produced. You get to a point in the movie where everything is revealed and you feel something in your brain click, and you understand it and I absolutely love that feeling. I also love the replay value of these movies and books, because when you re-watch or reread them, you see more of the story than you did the first time.
I love this feeling so much that I try to find obscure books and movies all the time.

These aren’t all of my favourite feelings, in fact, I think I’m going to make this a series on my blog, and if you want to join in, yay! That would be awesome! It is important to focus on our good feelings from time to time, and this post actually helped me a lot because I was actively trying to remind myself of my favourite feelings.

– Rhio.

#WeekendCoffeeShare – ARGH – I need a friendly ear, or eyes, or whatever.

If we were having coffee……. zzzz, zzzz, zzzz. I think I need IV coffee.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that it was actual back to school week this week. This is why I am currently so exhausted. I have trouble with my activity levels. Walking to and from school everyday (Even though it isn’t that far) is enough to make me need to nap or I cannot function, and enough to cause me chronic pain in certain parts of my body. It’s CFS type stuff apparently, even though I think CFS is stupid because it just seems like a term for, “I don’t know why this happens but it does, so yeah”, although that’s basically like a lot of medicine.
“We give drug x to y patients”,
“Why? How does it work?”,
“Uhh, umm, no one knows exactly, it just works, so you need to take it”.
*Googles it when I get home*, “Wow, it’s true no one knows why it works! How did they even find out that it does work? So weird”.
So that’s been really not fun, considering I just had six awesome weeks with my little one because I didn’t have to walk to school everyday so could manage my energy levels effectively. When I had an eating disorder, people had fun telling me how, “It’s because you don’t eat enough, when you eat you’ll regain your energy levels!”. This is the only thing they were wrong about, and wouldn’t ever accept my, “I get it when I eat”, arguments. Well, I’ve definitely proved you wrong now. I eat like a horse, and I eat good food, and I’ve been a healthy weight for something like 2 years now and gained even more weight recently. Sorry bloggers, I’m just a little bit gutted about the fact I feel like utter crap.

Seren going to school meant it was the last time she was going to have a first day back at primary school. It’s hard to think about the whole High School thing next year. She’s growing up so much. I think I noticed it the most when we went for her eye exam this week. It was like I didn’t need to actually be there, she did fine without prompting so I took a step back, she went on ahead, signed herself in, talked to the doctors so beautifully. When she was younger, she wouldn’t move from my side, glued to me, and I had to talk a lot for her because she’d get so anxious that she had trouble communicating. Talking for your kid is great for coming off as a super neurotic mother when your kid is over 5. It’s great that she’s starting to become independent despite still suffering panic attacks, it makes me feel so proud because I know firsthand how difficult it is to do something that you find scary when you suffer with anxiety. I always reward her a lot when she has done something that is out of her comfort zone.

I think I’ve already started to freak out about her starting high school. Hopefully, it’s going to be one of those things that I worry about that turns out just fine and I didn’t need to worry about quite so much. I’m genuinely scared for her, and I think it’s just the fact that high school was mentally, one of the worst times in my life, and I felt so alone and it makes me want to cry thinking about my kid going through that. I wish I could grow up for her and well, if we’re being completely honest, I just hope she doesn’t struggle mentally like I did and still do. I have no control over that whatsoever, and I know, I could be worrying for nothing, she might and I really hope she does turn out just fine. This is something I’ve been scared about for the entire time she has existed and now she’s edging ever closer to the age I was when I started having some terrible symptoms.

I know that, best case scenario, it’s totally possible, that she is going to be absolutely fine and I might have been worrying about this for no good reason, other than the fact that maybe I might not be feeling well and this is why I can’t get this off my mind. I also know that, if she does struggle, I’m going to be there for her with insight. I know what it’s like, and I can help her get help as soon as possible, so even if she does struggle, it might not be as bad for her or for as long as I have suffered, and she’ll have me to support her no matter what. She is not me, she is her, she wont go through everything the same anyway, because it’s impossible. She doesn’t know any of the stuff I am worried about, she is already worried enough about growing up after hearing about what girls have to go through when they grow up. After that particular lesson in school, she used the word, “Horrifying”, to describe it and I keep telling her everything will be okay, and she often just believes me, except I don’t because I’m great at soothing my little one, horrible at soothing myself.

At the same time, this week, I’ve been reminded of how incredibly lucky I am to be in the position I am in, even though I’m in a lot of pain and stuff right now. Whatever I am going through, I am not a refugee, I didn’t have to risk my child’s life just to get out of a war zone where she might have died anyway, I have a roof over my head, and access to water and food. I don’t have a lot of money but we get what we need. If thinking about how lucky I am could cure me of my mental problems, this week, I would be completely cured. It has hurt me seeing what people are going through, and worse, has hurt me more seeing peoples stupid comments about it. How could you not sympathise with kids washing up dead on beaches? What kid deserves that?

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not well, but, I don’t think that’s it. I think I’m just struggling to deal with actual feelings I have. I feel too much. I don’t ever feel sad, I feel totally wiped out upset, I don’t get angry, I get really freaking angry. I also feel good things that way (And there is a special post coming this week highlighting the good things I feel), and I’m not complaining about feeling too much love or too happy, but it’s really hard to get a handle on it. It’s hard to control it or keep it at levels that feel safe and don’t make me go off on one because of a Facebook post, or YouTube comment, because come on, logically and five minutes after I post something, I know there is zero point arguing logically with people who wouldn’t know what logic was if they were hit in the head by the entire printed out version of wikipedia. I also know that I’m probably coming off as an idiot because of how passionate I get over things like the news, or human rights, or feminism etc, etc, etc. I wish I could tell myself to seriously shut up sometimes. My feelings are so whacked that I’ve struggled to do anything effectively to control them.

My coffee share was a bit real wasn’t it? I guess that you can’t have all good weeks though. That’s just the reality of it all, I was going to just write about the good things but no, I can’t because I would feel fake. I also know when bloggers ask me how I feel, they wouldn’t be satisfied with, “I’m fine”, when they ask, they want to know, same with my Facebook friends who read this. There is a positive post coming this week though, I’ve been working on it for a while and finally had time to actually draw some pictures now that Seren is back in school. So you can look forward to that, because it’s basically me feeling “too much” love for stuff. :)
Hope you’re having a good weekend. Here’s to a better week.



#WeekendCoffeeShare Super Rhio


If we were having coffee, I think I would choose some kind of nice fruit tea because my brain is overly wired anyway, adding caffeine to the mix would probably be a bad idea.

If we were having tea, I would tell you about mine and Seren’s last week of summer. We’ve had so much fun since she’s been off school and I can’t believe it’s been six weeks already! I’m not really looking forward to her going back to school, but I think it will be good for me to get back into a good routine. Routine is super important to avoid the mentals.

If you read last weeks coffee share you’d know that we were working on a “My Little Pony” painting together, and I’m excited to tell you that we’ve finished it! It’s now hanging on Seren’s wall in her bedroom and it looks so cute! The walls in her bedroom are slowly getting filled up with art!


At the beginning of the week Seren and I went to town for lunch, and plenty of window shopping. Seren bought Rainbow Dash in cuddly toy form with her pocket money. She’s been super helpful around the house helping me with cleaning and I reward her for such with pocket money. She is always super proud to spend her earned money on whatever she wants.


We spent the rest of the week having fun at home until yesterday when we spent the day with a lovely friend of mine in town. We had pub lunch and chatted about anything and everything. I was very proud of myself for going to town on a Saturday. Usually I avoid weekends in town because just thinking about the large masses of people freaks me out. I was also super proud of myself because Seren and I did that on top of not sleeping properly the night before. We were exhausted and couldn’t sleep due to my neighbours dog barking continuously all night without pause. It’s loud enough that I can’t even hear my tv over it, let alone sleep. I had quite a bit of pain from not sleeping and felt absolutely horrible and hungover because I hadn’t slept off my meds enough (Medication hangovers… bleurgh) but we still managed to get to town albeit a bit later than planned and had a great time. My friend was super cute with Seren, and bought her a really cute pig ornament and it feels so much more amazing socialising and having fun offline.  So when I got home, I felt like Super Rhio and that I’d achieved something because going out on the busiest day of the week whilst being so tired is an achievement for me. I am paying for it now though, ugh, I feel really weak and tired, despite being mentally wired, however it was definitely worth it.

I’ve also had a lot of fun gaming this week and ventured into the Life is Strange universe.


Screenshot captured in game.

Life is Strange is a decision based game from Square Enix, and the protagonist Max, pictured above, is able to time travel. It’s basically the butterfly effect for true nerds. There are references to several books in this game, like those of Ray Bradbury, and plenty of references to tv shows. Max is a photography student, so plenty of photography references included too. What’s different about this game compared to those of Telltale Games is the decisions you make actually mean something. There seems to be more combinations of stories than other games, and talking about it to my friend, we had vastly different stories because of the different decisions we’ve made. It’s also a lot more involved, so in my opinion, is more fun than playing Telltale Games episodes.
I played episodes 1-4 this week and cannot wait for episode 5 to come out in October now. I really enjoyed it, and will be playing another playthrough so I can make different decisions. I highly recommend you guys getting this game.

I’ve also had fun playing the Black Ops 3 beta on Xbox One. I love the movement because it reminds me of Titanfall, and the supers remind me of Destiny, two games I’ve really enjoyed. I still prefer playing Battlefield though to Call of Duty but I probably will buy Black Ops 3 for Zombies because I really love Black Ops Zombies. However Battlefront comes out the same time so I can see myself just playing that for a while. The beta is currently open, so you don’t need a download code to play it, I think it’s cool that CoD did that and I do wish more games would have betas because they really help me decide if I should buy the game or not.

I should go now… I have a lot of school uniform washing and ironing to do for Seren’s first week back. It’s a bit of a pain washing and ironing brand new clothes, but if I don’t, Seren comes out in rashes so there is no choice! I swear it’s that stain resistant stuff they add to uniforms, I have to wash them on 60 degrees to get it all off. Can’t be good for your skin if Seren has such severe reactions to it.
I think I’ll join you guys for some coffee too first though… Procrastination rules!

#WeekendCoffeeShare is a blog link up hosted by PartTimeMonster. Head over to her blog to join in!

#WeekendCoffeeShare Busy Week!


If we were having coffee, I’d buy everyone a coffee and sit down and wait for you guys to be on time because I am always incredibly early for everything. You’d probably end up having to buy your own coffee anyway because the one I bought you would probably be cold by the time you arrived on time. Or if you’re British and I ordered you a tea you’d probably drink it even though it’s cold because you can’t ever deny a cup of tea.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you about how I’ve been super busy this week. I’ve been working on other posts to post during the week so I don’t just post coffee shares, but I’ve been so busy, or so tired from being busy that I haven’t got around to finishing them yet.

My little one and I, and I think from now on I will call her Seren because it means “Star” in Welsh, have been masters of stay at home activities, but we’ve also been out this week too.

We started our week off by baking brownies on Monday morning. I am absolutely hopeless at cooking, but I seem to do okay with baking. Seren and I have been watching The Great British Bake Off and both got a bit inspired from watching it.


Baking and/or cooking are really great activities to do with your kids to encourage them to have a healthy relationship with food, especially baking because it’s so fun and messy. If your child is a picky eater, or going through that phase that all kids go through where they will only eat certain foods, showing them food growing in the wild, and then involving them in the cooking process really helps. In fact, it’s the only thing I did that helped Seren get out of those phases she had. It makes a lot of sense, usually we place food in front of our kids, and tell them they have to eat it without any explanation, but even as adults, we like to know what ingredients the cook used, and how it was cooked.

Anyway, back to the Brownies, we also melted some white chocolate because I thought it would be fun to let her pipe the chocolate over the brownies. Here are some of the completed brownies. So cute!


On Wednesday, we had to go to the Podiatrist to get Seren’s new insoles. She has poor alignment of her leg bones, which means her feet are twisted to compensate. Kids are usually born with this but normally they grow out of it, hence the cute way they walk when they have just learnt to walk and are toddling around, but unfortunately, Seren did not grow out of it, and instead, growth spurts tended to make it worse. Seren falls over a lot tripping over her own feet, and has really bad scars and scar tissue on her knees from continually falling over. A few falls she has suffered have even warranted trips to the hospital. Hopefully the insoles will help her, and they seem to be working already, she is walking a lot better. She likes them because it makes her a little bit taller so she’s almost the same height as me while wearing them. Seren also made me laugh because one of the first things she said was, “I can feel these insoles making me walk more normally, normal feels so weird”. Yes, normal is weird!

We also went to the shops after the appointment and had lunch, I had to try to find some school socks for her to wear, but we couldn’t find any, anywhere! Then near the end of searching stores high and low, I remembered that I had already bought her school socks a few weeks ago! Thanks brain, we walked around the shops in the pouring rain searching for socks we already had!

For the rest of the week we have mostly been doing arts and crafts. Seren really likes My Little Pony at the moment, so our draws have been pony related.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

We also started a My Little Pony painting on canvas together, but we haven’t finished it yet! I will definitely post it when we’ve finished it’s looking really cute!

When Seren has been sleeping, I’ve mostly been either exhausted and just watching YouTube or Netflix whilst hanging out with friends online (I actually met someone who worked at BioWare on the Citadel DLC for Mass Effect 3, how cool is that?!) or playing the Battlefield 4 CTE on Xbox One. It’s pretty cool to be able to play the CTE because all the guns and so forth are unlocked, and the night maps are so cool, but a little bit scary! I have been part of the preview program on Xbox One for a while now, and have been eagerly awaiting my CTE invite to be able to play with my friends. We’ve had some great fun hiding in the shadows of the map ready to pounce on unsuspecting victims. It’s quite hard to invite, party and so forth, but as there are only a few servers, it’s easy just to meet on the same server even if we have to be on separate teams.
A friend, Seren and I have also been doing some Minecraft stuff. We were thinking of building a Jurassic World map. My friend is amazing at building 3D models so I think a dinosaur world would look pretty great.

And that is mostly it. I hope you guys have had a great week too, and are having a great weekend. We are now in our last week off before school starts. I imagine that I’ll have more time to post in the week when Seren is back in school, but know that I am working on other stuff to post! :) It’s my drawings mostly, they take forever, I really need to learn how to draw faster!

— Rhio

#WeekendCoffeeShare – School shopping.


If we were having coffee, I’d mostly be talking about the fact I’ve been trying to get uniform for my little one for school this week. She has a few weeks of holiday left though, they don’t go back until September in the UK (They finished school at the end of July).
It’s especially stressful to get shoes because she has very specific requirements for shoes, due to the fact she needs to wear special insoles. I think we have finally found the right ones but I had to send the ones we had back because they were too big, and she needed a size smaller.

As well as stressing me out, school shopping has also been kind of sad this year, as she’s about to enter her last year in primary school before she goes to high school this time next year. She still seems too little to go, she is only 10. I think it just reaffirms that my little girl is growing up, more so than anything else. I’m never excited for her to go back to school anyway, I love it when she’s off school, we have so much fun together but I’m just finding it all so completely stressful and sad this year. I’m really dreading next year, but I’m hoping it’s just one of those things that I’m worrying about incessantly that will probably end up being fine. Anxiety is so great isn’t it?!

My little one (I should really think up a name to use for her on my blog!) is not in a rush to grow up like some of the kids her age (Thankfully! l’ve seen some of them wear make up! No, just no), at the same time though she’s also a little sad herself because she doesn’t want to grow up. I remember that all too well, and remember not being ready for these big changes everyone was talking about. I ended up being glad to get to high school though, as the beginning of high school was really great and they actually taught actual subjects. I was completely bored at primary school, because I found it too easy. It wasn’t even because I was super intelligent or a genius or anything, because I’m totally not, and when I got to high school I was really very behind compared to the other kids in my class, (I found it fun though to cram and catch up with the rest of the smart kids) I guess my primary school was just not very good at teaching actual subjects.


I tell my little one that high school will be better, and they will teach cool science and English literature (Which she loves at the moment) and it seems to make her feel a little better, but I know what she really means, aside from the fact I know she’s a bit worried about making friends because she does struggle to understand some of the “kid nonsense” that goes on in school (The normal crap that kids do, “You’re my bestest friend”, ten minutes later, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore”), it’s also the fact that time is passing, and she’s growing up whether she likes it or not. I tell her that I haven’t really grown up yet, I only adult when I have to, like when I need to go pay a bill, or go to the bank, or fill forms out, or talk at a conference because some adult things are required of all of us, but the rest of the time, I don’t feel like an adult. I get down on the floor and play with my little one like we are the same age, not because that’s what cool mums do, because that’s what is fun for me.

It’s the same with gaming and so forth, and being overly excited about things without fear of what people think, but that’s just being a nerd for you. Seriously, you should see my face if a new science paper comes out that interests me, or watching the E3 livestream and seeing Mass Effect Andromeda…

I really feel for my little one and I totally identify with her too and for me, well, it does pain me just a little bit that my little girl is growing up. I think it’s to do with the fact I have been able to shield her from most of the world’s ill’s thus far and soon, she will have knowledge, thoughts, and will experience what this world is like for herself, and that scares me. The fact I also have to inform her of the world’s dangers often makes me feel guilty, and I often put “I’m sorry”, at the end of those sentences.

Also, I worry about the fact my daughter might start wanting to fit in, because everyone does, and stop being who she is to please everyone else. I just hope she stays true to who she is, because it’s so amazing to see her get excited about what she loves, I don’t want that to be ruined by kids who won’t talk to you if you’re wearing the wrong thing, or like she experienced recently, them picking on her because of the shoes she wears. Seriously, her shoes looked cool, but she had to wear podiatrist approved shoes so they were boy styled because that’s all I could get and you know what? Those shoes meant she was in less pain but she experienced emotional pain for being picked on for it. Why don’t people teach their kids to be thoughtful of other people? People say, “Well, that’s kids for you”, or “That’s normal though Rhio, you’re being unrealistic”, and I seriously want to tell them to shut up, I’m being unrealistic to expect kids to be nice to each other? Well, that says everything you need to know about the human race doesn’t it? How depressing.

I just want my daughter to be her forever and without fear, because I know, being true to yourself and who you are is one of the easiest ways to make yourself happy. For some odd reason, being true to being you also sometimes ends up causing you actual grief because of other people and their judgements or prejudices. Humans… you should want your other human brothers and sisters to be happy, so please let them be happy.

[If you would like to take part in the #weekendcoffeeshare, then head to Part Time Monsters blog to take part!]

Mildly Obsessed With Satellites.

It’s been a while hasn’t it?!
There’s so many reasons for my blog absence, but basically, saving the galaxy (Or doing something not really that important) comes with it’s fair share of problems. I managed to hurt my back, and then my hip, and then my right hand. So, drawing or writing hasn’t really been the top of my priorities of late. However, I have been working on a lot of things offline.

I’ve had all these ideas in my head for years, and never really done anything about them. I think it’s like fear of failure or fear of criticism or something along those lines. There always seems to be this brick wall that appears around my brain whenever I sit down and start to do something. I can’t fail if I do not complete it is true, but I definitely cannot win if I’m not in the game. I know I have a giant problem with building up my ideas in my head, and then completing them, only to find out that my idea wasn’t really that good to begin with, and I do hate it when that happens.

However, I’ve decided that I’m going to start completing some of my ideas and actually try. A youtube video I watched reminded me that most successful people are only where they are because they’ve failed many times before it. Failure lets you analyse and make things better, so does criticism.

As I’ve been playing Sims 4 while waiting for my back and hip and hand to get better, I’ve been playing a lot of music, and I’m mildly,  slightly totally obsessed with Klaypex’s Satellites. It’s the best song EVER! It made me really want to draw this…

Here’s the song that goes with it:-

Hope everyone is doing well :)


The Good Stuff. [Blog]

It’s been a while again… I’ve had, what I think is sinusitis, and have been attacked with unbearable headaches so I haven’t been able to sit at my screen and draw. Hoping that it gets better soon because it’s starting to get on my nerves.
Anyway, there’s a lot I’ve been wanting to talk about so here goes:-

1. #E3 2015. Oh my goodness. If I ever doubted that I was a nerd, watching the livestream of the video game expo on YouTube totally quashed any doubts in my mind. I was basically, in a state of continual nerdgasm, especially seeing the new Battlefront gameplay. By far the best for me was EA kicking off it’s awesome show with a Mass Effect trailer. I am so so so excited for that. It’s going to be hard waiting one and a half years to get my hands on that game. My cheeks hurt from smiling at the end of it. I’m sure playing Battlefront with my friends this winter will help with the wait.
I was talking to my friend on Facebook while watching the livestream, and our conversation was basically many “OMG”‘s over and over again. Haha.
“OMG OMG OMG it’s Mass Effect!!! OMG OMG OMG :D :D :D :D :D”.

2. Sims 4. Last weekend I was browsing Origin, which is almost completely pointless anyway because I have a MacBook, but saw Sims 4 was on sale at half price. So I ended up buying it with money I accrued selling my old games on eBay. I’ve been playing in short bursts as that’s all my head can handle without it feeling like it’s going to explode. Thank you sinuses. Sims 4 is pretty awesome, I thought I wasn’t going to like it as much given that there’s no toddlers and the build mode worried me. The build mode is flipping great, and I’ve been able to build stuff that I wanted to build in Sims 3, but was restricted. I decided to complete my Mass Effect fantasy and create a Kaidan and Shepard, and I’m pretty pleased with how they turned out, especially Kaidan. He even has similar mannerisms. I made my Shepard look like my Shepard, hence her lack of red hair. Kaidan’s working on the astronaut career path, and I still haven’t decided what I want to do with Shep.

Here’s my first shot at using the new build tools, I built this house in free mode. My Shepard/Alenko household are playing without motherlode though and are slumming it in a bungalow!

simshouseI should get some shots of the interior, it far outweighs the exterior. Also, I really love how custom content is so accessible in Sims 4. In Sims 3, EA charged for certain items and asked for Simpoints, you don’t need them anymore.
The only thing apart from toddlers, that I wish they would add is custom textures. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of fun playing this. November seems so far away from all the games I want to play on my Xbox One, however, my little one and I have been playing Lego Jurassic World, and it’s definitely my favourite lego game. My little one is really enjoying it.

3. I’m quitting smoking. So far, I’ve cut down by half, and my quit date is next week. I’m looking forward to not having to buy them ever again. I’ve quit before, plenty of times, when I was pregnant for instance, and many times after that. But I’ve always quit too fast, and it just doesn’t seem compatible with me and my “issues”. I quit for a week or so, and then I start again because it usually causes a depressive episode. This time I’m going to be all smart about it and do it slowly. Ease myself on to NRT, and slowly ease myself off that.

4. Me and my little one had our hair cut! I had a lot of hair cut off. Surprising how much it had grown in a year. It’s been so much better, I’ve been really struggling with this humidity we’ve been having lately. I know it’s nothing compared to what some of you have to experience, but I’m properly British and my very British body cannot cope with heat for more than one day without feeling like I’m melting. Plus, hardly any of us have air con, it’s making me want to book a hotel room for a night just so I can use air con.

5. I stopped taking Sertraline. Long story short, it was giving me physical health issues, I felt horrible constantly. It was a shame because in the first few months of taking it, it helped me a lot, but then, it just seemed to give me anger and the physical issues I had, along with hormonal problems. There were some days that I couldn’t do anything for feeling so horrible because of my meds. I’m happy to report that I’m feeling a lot better in that respect, in fact, I’ve been feeling a lot happier lately, more so than I have for a long long while! I’ve noticed my passion has come back with a vengeance though, which is 90% awesome, but being overly passionate about things can make you blind in terms of getting angry about things. However, it’s not all-the-live-long-day anger anymore, I just have to avoid things like comments sections on Facebook, the news, and instead focus on things that are (kind of) healthy to be passionate about like gaming, and art and stuff. I get to where I want to right all the worlds wrongs, but then get frustrated at the fact I have no power to do anything about it, I just have to sit and observe the world turn into shit.

6. Gay marriage is legal in America. This made me so happy, so completely ecstatic. It’s one step closer to being like the Mass Effect Universe. In Mass Effect, no one cares if you’re gay, or if you’re in love with an alien from another species, because it’s normal. Being in love is normal and should be celebrated, and people in love should be allowed to celebrate that love. It’s common sense. Gay rights are just human rights. I’ve always been outspoken in my life about gay rights, even though I’m straight, I just want us to move forward together as a species and step out of the horrible dark ages. This is one step closer to that, in fact, America made more than one step this week, and hopefully, they, and the rest of us, keep walking that path.

Anyway, I’m off to watch some more Prison Break and write out a birthday card before I go to bed. I’ll hopefully be back with some drawings when my head starts to feel a bit better.