It’s been a while since I’ve posted again! I hate when that happens, but it just seems to happen and then all of a sudden it’s been weeks since I posted and it’s then difficult to just come back.
The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. I’ve been super worried about my little one, Seren. Since she’s been back in school, she has been struggling a lot with her emotions and anxiety. She’s also been incredibly “clingy”, I hate that word, it sounds way too negative as if she’s being naughty, but basically, she hasn’t wanted to leave my side to do anything. She’s even struggling with going to school and so forth and when the opportunity came up to go and see family, she immediately said, “No”, and got upset with the thought of leaving. Normally, she would have been really excited, she loves going to see family.
Seren went on a school trip last week, and she was excited and happy about it. It made me feel that she was, “getting better”, and perhaps it was just a difficult phase, and that maybe she was feeling better (I’m not sure if I believed it, or was just hoping so much that it was true). However, she came back from her trip, and was still happy for a few days, and enjoyed spending the weekend with me telling me tales from her trip, but as soon as she went back to school, she started struggling again. It’s so upsetting to see her so sad, she’s crying quite a lot. It’s just so unusual compared to the Seren that spent the summer holidays with me. She’s usually so bouncy and self assured, yes she had occasional panic attacks but that was it, right now, she’s a shadow of her former self. I’ve checked with school, and they say the same, that she’s not herself, but that there seems to be no indication as to why she feels the way she does. She’s not being bullied, she’s excelling at her work, but she withdraws from her friends and wants to be left alone, and gets upset when someone wants to talk to her.
I feel incredibly powerless. I’ve been trying everything to try and help her, but nothing seems to be working. I took her to the doctors as she has also been struggling with stomach aches and she’s been referred to child mental health services. She also has a lot of help with Barnado’s as she’s a child carer. She’s been doing mindfulness and yoga, helpful again but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I just want to make her better and I can’t. The only time she seems happy is when she’s home with me playing games, or drawing, so we’ve been doing a lot of that! It’s hard to “force her” to go out because I know exactly how she feels, and I say force because encouragement does not work. I also don’t want to make her worse and want her to know that I support her. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best and I’m so worried about her turning out like me. I think though, I could be the perfect mother, and I still would probably feel that I’m not doing enough. It’s the way she looks at me when she’s sad, it’s like she’s saying “Help me”, with her eyes and I just can’t.
Also, the things she says to me are heartbreaking, “No one except you seems to understands me”, “I feel like I can’t be myself”, “Other people don’t think about things the way I do”. To me, that’s just a big indicator of her not being well because she has best friends, and I asked her if she thinks they understand, because one of her friends is also a child carer with very similar circumstances and she said, “Yes, she makes me feel better”. So people do understand, but “no one understands”, is what I say a lot when I’m ill, despite the fact I’ve met a lot of bloggers that I know understand. Most of the people on my Facebook friends list and Xbox also understand and just get me and I don’t need to explain myself to them.
Therefore, we haven’t been doing a lot for the past month and a half since she’s been ill, and I’ve been giving her the attention she needs when she asks for it, so I’ve neglected things like drawing, and writing because when I do get time to myself I feel exhausted because yes, this is hard for me too. I haven’t had the time to think about me, she comes first and yes I should look after me too, but it’s just so hard. I’ve just been playing a few video games and watching TV when she goes to bed before going to bed myself and laying there worrying until I fall asleep.
So that’s where I’ve been. I have a few posts lined up though, I played the Star Wars beta and that cheered me up a lot, and the new Life is Strange episode is out today so I might play that later. I just felt like maybe I should tell you where I’ve been before I just start posting again.