It is I, the worst blogger in the world.
My blog is a series of updates.
I promise to post more, and then I don’t.
I go on my computer specifically to blog, and then find myself googling about the Fermi Paradox and then end up googling conspiracy theories and struggle to go to bed because this stuff is just too entertaining. I then forget why I even turned on my MacBook.
I miss my blogger friends and how I used to post, despite that, I still can’t find the motivation to post.
My motivation has mostly been through the floor of late.
I’ve been forcing myself to make bracelets and stuff though, because it feels good when I finish them. I have something in my hand I can hold, that I made even though I partly didn’t feel like making them. If only I could physically hold my blog in my hand, maybe I would be better at doing it.
Everyday I have an idea for a post, but I feel like I cant do it because I’d have to explain where I’ve been and I haven’t been anywhere remotely interesting.
I feel like I’d have to explain because that would be the polite thing to do, the British thing to do.
When I’m making bracelets I can obsessively watch Netflix programmes I’ve already watched a million times, which I can’t really do when I’m blogging.
I’m starting to know the scripts of most of my favourite shows, Homeland, Prison Break, Breaking Bad, Dexter.
Rewatching shows that I’ve already watched is very comforting for me, it feels so safe and I need comfort right now.
I am mostly fine though. My new flat is so great. My daughter is so unbelievably awesome, that I stare at her and wonder how I made such a perfect human.
She’s been doing so unbelievably well in her new school.
I am less worried about her social anxiety because it’s almost like it’s disappeared.
She’s only had two panic attacks since September. She was having them every single week in primary school.
Her teachers are much more understanding and are way more intelligent when it comes to mental health issues.
One of her teachers said to my daughter, “I’m really proud of you, you go to Barnados (Young carers group), look after your mum, and you haven’t had a single behaviour point (The school gives behaviour and achievement points). Your mum must be really good at being your mum even though she’s ill”.
That is NOT what I am used to with her teachers at all. It made me cry in a good way.
I’ve been struggling with fatigue and tiredness. I have to rest a lot.
I’ve been struggling with pain and feel old because of it. I bent over to pick something up two days ago and my back and neck have felt really ouchy ever since.
My anxiety has been pretty crippling since I gave up smoking. I wrote about that last time. My nurse wants me to try new meds for bipolar but I’ve been putting it off for months. Quite possible I wrote about that last time too.
I will start them tomorrow. My fear of taking new meds is pretty strong, but I have a Schrodingers Cat situation with them. I have no idea if they are going to be bad for me or good for me unless I take them.
Anxiety is screwy like that though. I have really bad anxiety so I need to take new meds, but my anxiety is so bad that I can’t take the new meds because I’m scared.
I enjoyed watching The Walking Dead, but I find Negan too darn hilarious to take seriously. His one liners remind me of Sir Alan Sugar on the Apprentice, I think that’s why I find him so funny.
I really loved the mid-season finale, but it was like it was ripped straight out of Mass Effect, with the speeches, “We have to fight together, we can’t do this alone” and the “We fight or we die” stuff. Even had the music in the background.
It made me miss Mass Effect again. Dammit.
I’ve also been watching the Apprentice. It’s the semi final tonight (Well it was on last night but we go to bed when it’s on) and I’m looking forward to us watching that with mini burgers and mini chicken burgers!
I’ve still been doing NHS stuff, but I’ve had to cancel most of the meetings I’ve had lately because I haven’t been feeling well enough both physically and mentally. I’m in the position whereby I know I need to look after myself first.
I’ve done most of my Christmas shopping, but I’m going to get my daughter and I an iPad Pro. I never spend that much at Christmas but my MacBook is a bit temperamental since updating to the new operating system and I can’t afford a new one so an iPad will tide me and my daughter over nicely until I can afford it. Also, I’m getting the highest memory one so my daughter can make videos.
She’s been super interested in animation, but she only has a 16gb iPhone so there’s not enough room to make more than one or two videos and then she needs to delete them to make more, which she doesn’t want to do.
I’m going to get apple pencil as well, and it might mean that I actually do some drawing again. That’s pretty exciting.
I haven’t finished making everyone Christmas presents yet though. I’m making my friends keyrings, bracelets and the like. I wish I’d started making them in October!
I really want to post more often but my motivation sucks. So I wont promise to post, and hopefully that’ll mean I’ll post because I’ve put less pressure on myself to post.
Post, post, post… POST!
I hope you guys are all okay. Please know that, even if I don’t drop by, you guys are always in my thoughts and I wonder what you’re up to even though I’m not here.
You’re all a bunch of good people.
Categories: mental health