Happy New Year everyone!
We had a lovely Christmas and New Year. We totally made up for the year before where we were really poorly with infections and both in and out of hospital.
We had an iPad Pro for Christmas with Apple Pencil. Hence the drawing at the beginning of this post. It’s the best digital drawing experience I’ve ever had. My daughter is also really happy with it, and often drawing on it herself. She’s taken to digital art like a duck to water, and I really love watching her draw. It was the perfect present for us both.
I haven’t drawn anything for ages, as I have been struggling with back and neck pain and lost my glasses while moving house (Getting new ones on Wednesday), and using my Wacom bamboo tablet with my quite small MacBook Pro means there’s a fair bit of leaning over to see the screen. The iPad feels pretty much like sketching on paper so it’s alleviated that issue. This means, I’ll be drawing more again yay!
I have been making lots and lots of bracelets. I haven’t even finished my Christmas presents yet. I’m currently making something for my brother for his wedding this year. Making bracelets really helps me, more than anything else ever has. Even if I feel like I haven’t got any motivation (which I’ve struggled with so much the last few months hence why my blog frequently turns into a bit of a ghost town), I push through it because the satisfaction of finishing one is so rewarding. I made another Pikachu bracelet recently for a friend.
Please feel free to follow my Instagram account for my bracelets as I’m posting on there pretty frequently, well… More frequently than here anyway seeing as I can’t keep to a schedule when it comes to my blog.
I’m not that great at keeping resolutions but after completing that One Second Everyday video that was last years resolution I felt like maybe I could feel this great again about something I achieved. I’m definitely going to keep doing the One Second Everyday project, but there’s one thing that has been bugging me about my life, and that is, food. I am going to go on a diet.
I know, everyone flipping says that at New Year, yawn right?! and it’s not a big deal. However, it is a huge deal for someone who is in recovery from an eating disorder. I’ve been in recovery almost 5 years now, and in the beginning of recovery, what I was eating was pretty perfect. I was eating a meal plan of food that was good for me and food that was recommended to me by an NHS dietitian. About a year after that, my eating got chaotic, and any time I’ve tried to revert back to the meal plan, that action awakens the idiot in my head. Just before Christmas I got weighed, I’m a normal body weight just, I’m the lower side of normal, but I had gained 1 kg, which isn’t a big deal, and I had just quit smoking so it was probably from that. The doctor who weighed me, suggested I should be watching what I’m eating because I’ve gained weight and I’m on meds that can cause weight gain, and therefore type 2 diabetes. I’m not going to go into how annoying that was, given that I told her I was in recovery from an eating disorder. It triggered that whole, “See.. I’m right, you need to lose weight now” voice in my head.
What followed was, 2 weeks of severely restricting my diet, because of that incident. I’ve not been well anyway, I’ve been suffering with 100% anxiety every flipping day despite all the self care I make myself do, and always have chest pain from it. So it felt like I wasn’t strong enough to not listen to it. I just automatically followed along with what my brain was telling me to do. That is exactly for me, what is so weird about eating disorders. I can be plodding along just fine and super healthy in terms of my ED and then something like that knocks me down and it’s back to automatic eating disordered behaviours.
After two weeks, it was getting ever closer to Christmas and thanks to Facebook memories, I was reminded how horrible last Christmas was. Neither of us was well enough to eat Christmas dinner. I wanted more than anything, to eat Christmas dinner this past Christmas. So my brain went from black to white and “Screw it, I’m going to eat ANYTHING I want, whenever I want”, and what followed from that was a whole month of eating worse than I did before the doctor even said anything to me. I can’t eat unhealthy, my body does not like it. If I eat too much sugar, junk and processed food, I feel awful and start getting acid reflux problems and have to eat a lot of Rennies (Indigestion tablets), if I don’t eat enough wholegrain foods, and fibre stuff, I start getting the most intense cramps ever, it’s so bad, I feel like I should be in hospital and have to start taking stuff so I can sit upright and not be doubled over in pain. So, that’s what I’ve been dealing with the last few weeks because of this chaotic eating of junk food, taking extra medications (That were actually prescribed) because I can’t even eat right.
I thought to myself, “What I am actually doing here?”, while taking this stuff for my digestive system that tasted like poop and made me feel sick and bloated.
“I could probably solve this problem myself just with diet changes”.
For the last few years I’ve been excusing it as, “Well at least I’m eating enough calories, that’s good”, and trying not to pay any attention to the consequences, but I can’t seem to get away with doing that now. My 33 year old body is having none of it. The only meal I eat that’s always super healthy is the meal I eat with my daughter. The rest of the day, it’s chaos and unstructured and junk food. “I can’t be bothered to cook for myself, I’ll just eat peanut butter, or a cereal bar, or cake, yes cake. I like cake”.
I struggle to see the point of cooking for myself, or even spending more than 2 minutes getting myself something to eat. I still don’t find that much pleasure in eating. I think it costs a lot, and I could spend that money on fun stuff instead because it doesn’t feel worth it. I don’t think this is an eating disordered issue, I think that’s just the way I am, along with my digestive issues, which often, when I’m not eating correctly, causes me pain. I’d prefer to not eat anything, but I know I can’t do that because I’d get ill.
Anyway, my lovely friend WeeGee suggested a recipe book called, “The Happy Kitchen”, and it’s all about eating for mood improvements. I’ve been following it for about 3 days now and my pain has decreased a little bit even though I’ve stopped the digestive medication. My acid reflux is still bad but in my experience it takes a lot longer for that to sort itself out. If my mood improves, then well… I might just see the point of making myself something proper to eat. My mood is in desperate need of improvement. I’m going to have to go through bipolar medication changes at some point as I know I need extra help. I don’t want to lose weight it would only take 2-3kg of weight loss to be considered underweight, I just want to be able to eat like an adult, not a child who has been let loose in a sweet shop. I hope this doesn’t trigger anything, but I’m in a needs/must situation. I hope it works. I’ll have to let you all know, also I’ll have to do a review of the book if it does help me :).
So that’s where I am at right now. Making bracelets and trying to fix my ridiculous diet.
Ill see you guys soon I hope x