So this is probably the longest I haven’t posted for. My last post was in February. There are many reasons, but the primary reason is, I haven’t had any motivation to post really.
Right now, and for the past few months, I do things even though I really don’t want to do them. I make myself go through the daily motions of “doing stuff I should do whereas all I want is to hide under my duvet”, because I know, not doing these things would just escalate and then when I finally feel better, which I inevitably will, I’ll have a mountain of stress to deal with.
Yes, I am super depressed. I’m in a depressive episode.
I could write here why I think I am in an episode, but the truth is, the reasons are long and complicated OR there might not be a reason at all. I might just need my meds adjusted (I have an appointment in 2 weeks time), or it might have just happened anyway. It’s annoying when you tell people you’re depressed and they say, “But why?” because that’s not how chronic depression or a depressive episode works. Yes, there are things that can trigger me feeling this way, but those triggers often make no sense, or might not be triggers to someone with the same illness, Bipolar, as me. I’m basically just not very well, I have a sort of flu of the brain right now and it’s taking me a lot longer to get over than it usually does.
Normally, I’d have started to feel better by now. Instead I’m stuck pretty close to rock bottom. I’m hanging there right on the edge of reason and sanity, with a dark endless pit below me. I know there are things that could make myself worse. For instance, I always get here not wanting to eat anything, I want to cut myself off from my entire world, I want to lie in bed all day, I don’t want to shower or clean up or do ironing. But I am doing these things, even though they absolutely exhaust me. I feel like I need to lie down after I have a shower, and the thought of sorting out and drying my super thick long hair makes me wish I didn’t shower at all. However, that’s not going to help me.
I have been continuing to make my bracelets. I work on them a lot. My instagram has started to do really well, and I wanted to keep that up, and the easiest way to screw yourself over is to suddenly stop posting things. I don’t do it for likes and views, but it would be lying to say I didn’t enjoy having them. That I enjoy that other people think my bracelets are good. So even though I don’t think a lot of myself and my work, other people are saying it’s really good and it’s helping me to keep making them. I’m making them so other people can like them for me, because I can’t.
The other month it was my 5 year anniversary of being in ED recovery. I was going to come and post here all about it but thought it would be a bit disingenuous to post about how great that is when I don’t feel great. I’m glad I am in recovery, even though I’ve yet to find a coping mechanism that is as effective as that was. And no, I don’t regret anything, I’m better off for recovering but I get to this rock bottom thing and I don’t know what to turn to, to make myself feel better because nothing does. My brain automatically suggests that not eating would make it better, but I know full well that’s not true. My brain, when well is incredibly logical, but when ill, is a mess of illogical things that it tries to get me to believe. That is still the case today, it’s just that I’ve spent 5 years ignoring the crap out of it, and realising that my logical brain that I used to study science with and trusted to solve mathematical equations in physics, sometimes is completely illogical and cannot be trusted. I’ve basically just spent the last 5 years finding out what is real and what isn’t, and even though I know it’s not real it DOES NOT stop my brain from saying it. If only it did.
The recovery anniversary thing made me think a lot about how far I’ve come in that respect, but at the same time made me think how much the same things are. I’m still mentally unwell, I’m still not able to work because of it, I still get physically ill all the freaking time.
I’ve been physically ill since September with one thing after another. Labyrinthitis (Which I still most definitely have), a really bad flare of acid reflux from GERD, a really bad flare of my digestive issues, and other things. I’m currently seeing a physiotherapist for my really bad back as well, I’m not sleeping at all really. I wake up at 3-4 am every night and am wide awake and cannot get back to sleep.
I’m so exhausted but too tired to sleep.
There are good things though in spite of all these things, but it’s hard to feel joy when your digestive issues are so bad it hurts to eat, and when your stomach is so bad that it hurts to not eat, don’t get me started on the ear crap. I’m so so dizzy, and my ears hurt and the ringing is awful. It’s a lot louder than normal ringing, even if I have music in my earphones, I hear the ringing over it.
My daughter is doing amazing at school. In fact, thinking about her is the only thing that has made me legitimately smile and mean it these days. I go and pick her up from the bus stop, and as soon as she sees me, her face lights up, and I feel flooded with the love she gives me. I even feel it in my bones. It makes me smile so much even if I’ve just been crying. She has kept me going through all this, she is the reason that I know I’m safe when my brain makes me feel I am not. She is the reason I do all those things above, even if I don’t want to do them. She is the reason I look after myself when it’s EXHAUSTING because she deserves a mother who does that. She deserves a mother who helps her with her homework even if my brain is so fried I can’t get myself to understand what she needs to do. I thank Google for helping me act like I have my parental homework shit together when I do not.
My daughter is fine, and well, and less anxious than she used to be. Her new school has been so great for her. It’s so much less stress for both of us than her old one. She is far exceeding expectations when it comes to subjects, and she is so much more mentally well than she EVER was at the other school. She used to be two different people, daughter in the holidays and daughter in school. They were two entirely different people, daughter in school would often be depressed, cry a lot, not want to go to school, not want to leave me, have anxiety attacks every other day. Daughter in the holidays would be energetic, happy, wanting hugs, playing all the time, creating things all the time, writing and reading all the time. She is daughter in the holidays 99% of the time in her new school whether she is in school or on holidays from school, and actually, I can’t remember the last time she cried. It’s been a long while.
Even though I feel awful, I know I am a good parent. I’m the best mum for her. Even though I can’t be well right now, I can still be the best mum I can be, that’s how amazing love is, how powerful it is. You can do things you don’t think possible when you’re a mum, you wonder at the end of the day how the heck you managed to be a good parent despite feeling so physically and mentally unwell, and then you think, “well, it’s because I love her, obviously” and things feel easier because of her. For instance, when she’s at school, I don’t want to make myself lunch, it’s such a hassle and feels like such a chore, but on the weekends, “Oh it’s lunch time yay, I’m going to make you your favourite weekend lunch thing” and I eat it too, without even thinking. I want the best for her, even when I don’t feel like I deserve the best myself. She deserves the best of everything.
Anyway, I ended up getting a new blog for my bracelets.
It’s here :- rhiosbracelets.wordpress.com
If you ever want to see my bracelets, or know how I make them. I’m going to post tutorials and stuff hopefully as well and I have started posting my patterns so other people can make them too. It’ll be easier to update than this one, because there’s less emotion and having to explain myself, not that I need to explain myself you guys tell me that all the time, but I feel like I do here sometimes. All my other accounts are linked over there if you’re interested in seeing my instagram etc.
I know it’s weird to promote myself on this post, I intended to come here just to post about my website and all this other stuff came out, so I’m going to leave it, because it’s real and truthful and totally how I feel right now.
Categories: Weekend Coffee Share