Twice in one week. What? I know.
You can blame my nurse for this by the way.
She asked me, “What helped you get out of this before?”
And I thought about everything that helped me get out of this mess previously and blogging was one of those things.
Okay so anyway, my daughter had her appointment today with an occupational therapist. I really like the OT we saw, she’s really awesome, which totally helps everything. My daughter likes her a lot too.
It was rough going, but, I’m always amazed at my daughters ability to verbalise her feelings. I don’t think I even have the capacity now to verbalise my feelings the way she does. It’s somewhat captivating, like she’s telling this story that she has been writing her whole life, and she tells it in a way that you understand exactly how she’s feeling, even if you don’t feel those same things. So there’s me being captivated by my daughter’s story and then I realise, that, this isn’t a story, this is how she feels, this is real life. I am both incredibly proud of her and sad that she feels this way at the same time.
I guess I still see her as a child, because at 12 she is, but she has adult feelings and that must be so darn confusing. She wants to stay a child too, in fact, desperately, she’s holding on to her child state as hard as she possibly can.
The one moment in the appointment that I had to swallow so hard my own feelings, was when the OT asked, “Imagine you go to bed tonight and a miracle happens that makes everything better, what would be better for you?”
Then my daughter listed off many things all about me.
“My mummy wouldn’t be ill all the time or get cluster headaches”
“My mummy would be able to do what she wants to do”
“My mummy would…. ” etc
And didn’t mention herself at all.
The OT had to coax her to talk about herself.
I’m in crisis right now, as I said last time and actually have the crisis team here. It was hard to hear this stuff, because one of the reasons I’m where I am at, is because I think all this stuff is happening to my daughter because of me.
I know that’s not how it works, but mental health stuff does not listen to logic. Also, it’s crap my daughters old school even freaking said to me. “Well of course she has issues, because of you” and then they failed to help her at all, just judged both of us.
It’s hard to think otherwise.
I know by the way she wasn’t blaming me or anything, my brain just took it the way that, to solve my daughters problems, if I took me out of the equation… Yeah really crappy stuff happening in my brain right now.
I’d never leave her, but you know, doesn’t stop me having these thoughts.
Her new school by the way, shout out to them if I was allowed to but am not, are going out of their way to accommodate my daughter and her difficulties. They’ve taken her out of certain lessons that she doesn’t need, they’ve set her up with a learning support worker, they don’t judge me or my daughter. They tell her how they know I am a good mum, and that makes her so happy. She got awful upset when her teachers would judge me, to her face.
Anyway, my daughter was feeling pretty rough after the appointment so I took her to town and I bought her new boots, and new PJ’s and she was happy with her new boots especially because she is the same size shoe as me now. I told her how I always do that after my appointments, retail therapy/self care. I bought myself a t-shirt as well, and it’s quite funny for where we are at.
Hahaha. I just told my friend, I need to buy more, I need to wear this everyday.
Categories: mental health