All the Feels.

So, I lost a bunch of weight and I’m trying to gain it back, so CW here for that. It’s pretty positive about that though no numbers or shit like that.

The last two months I’ve been trying to gain weight with varying degrees of success. It’s hard when you get hit with acid reflux, and then I had a massive cluster headache attack that lasted 3 days after going to Cardiff. STOP WEARING SO MUCH PERFUME PEOPLE!

But, I’ve eaten enough consistently the last month to get that rush of feelings, that hits you. What happened to me last year was, I felt lots of things, I realised lots of things, stuff and things happened, then I had to go to the hospital a few times because I started having cluster headaches, and was having high and low blood sugar issues, and then I had a lumbar puncture, and then I lost weight because of that. Basically, I had to lie completely flat for a week or I felt like my brain was going to explode. So painful. I can’t eat lying down because acid reflux so I barely ate anything.
Then, it was like, oh remember those things I was feeling? I don’t feel those things anymore, this is great, I forgot how great (it isn’t) not eating was. So I continued on my path of self destruction, ended up needing home treatment team for the whole month of December practically. UGH.

So, now, I’ve been smashed in the face with all the things I didn’t deal with. Not eating isn’t a solution to my feelings, it’s a pause button. I still feel so stuck though it’s weird. I don’t want to feel these things, but I don’t want to continue not eating either. I want to gain weight, but I don’t want to feel. I don’t know what this obsession is with me not feeling things. I will flat out deny I feel the things, when I do feel them to everyone, including the people that I know just get it, and then try and do my best to not feel anything at all the rest of the time. The only feelings I embrace are my feelings for my daughter, but nothing I consider “wrong” for myself to feel. I don’t understand why my brain seems to aspire to be a psychopath, when I’m really not.
I got angry at one of the awesome crisis team nurses (sorry again lol) because he said I was obviously angry and I angrily replied, “NO I’M NOT ANGRY, I DON’T GET ANGRY”. I couldn’t even take a step back and see how messed up that was. Even though the thing I was very angry about, and still am, is very normal for me to be this angry. It’s okay for me to be angry
Everyone I’ve spoken to, all my treatment team, all of my daughter’s treatment team, all my friends online who know everything. They say, “You are right to feel angry, I would be angry too”. But I can’t deal with it, I don’t want to feel angry, I think, in my broken brain, it makes me this terrible person, and that I shouldn’t be angry ever and I have no right to feel angry. No my angriness has been validated several times.

What about positive feelings? Brain, NOPE. CAN’T DO THOSE EITHER. Just my daughter, I have all the positive feelings for her and I love her so much. I wouldn’t accept anyone else could like me for me, with all my issues, with all my problems, with who I am. “They must want something from me”, “They can’t possibly like me, because even I hate myself”, so I looked at people who liked me with complete suspicion, or cut myself off from people who liked me. People made me feel worthless and I carried with me the rest of my life? What the actual hell?
A year ago I joined a redacted name group on Facebook, and made a bunch of friends. We’ve all got pretty darn close, they’ve looked after me, and they’re like my brain trust, if I can’t trust my brain like in December, I can rely on theirs to give me sound advice. They help me know when I need to get help, they validate my feelings, and I listen to them and trust them if they say “Oh hey, maybe you need to take a step back here” because they are right, I know if I was being unreasonable, they’d find a lovely way to tell me I was, without upsetting me, because we all know sometimes humans can be wrong, and I’ve learnt from that group, it’s okay to be wrong, so long as you deal with it appropriately, change if you need to, so you’re not wrong more. I’ve been really myself there from the start issues and all and I’ve grown a lot from it. I’ve been honest about every single thing. I’ve told them almost everything. Then, a few months ago, we all did a positive compliment type thread, and people wrote things about me. I’m crying just thinking about it. Anyway, it was stuff like, “Oh I really like Rhio, she’s helped me so much”, “One of the nicest people I’ve met online”, “The bond she has with her daughter is adorable”, “she’s really cool, I really like her” and such and such.
Then I had to realise that people do actually like me because the evidence was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. What try and deny that super logical side of my brain.
So I thought back, throughout my life, and realised I was entirely wrong about this shit. Because I was so blinded by my hatred of myself, I never let myself have real feelings for people, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have any but I was so blinded I didn’t realise. I suddenly realised the feelings I did have for people, and it was hard because I thought about things that happened YEARS ago, and they’re gone now and I’m sat here with all my feelings. I’ve let people go, who I sit here now wishing I really didn’t, and not in a gross way but in a “I really wish they were still in my life” kind of way because NOW I feel it, which is what I know I felt all along but I completely flat out denied to myself and didn’t dare talk about because that would be admitting my feelings. I didn’t want to have feelings because I’m convinced everyone secretly hates me, and I can’t handle the people I care about or like in my own way thinking that of me so how I solved that equation was to take myself out of it. +Rhio to a -Rhio = no Rhio. My favourite movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I am SO CLEMENTINE omg. I just sit here like *delete* and think that makes things go away, but even in the movie it still doesn’t. I love that movie so darn much Clementine is so me it’s weird.

I’m also really sad about the fact my daughter has her own issues. It’s harder for me to deal with than my own issues, because I wish I could suffer them for her. She looks at me all depressed and I can tell she’s saying, “Help Me” and I can’t. She comes home from school absolutely exhausted, and I know she doesn’t want to go to school but I have to send her anyway. I can’t protect her from all the things anymore, I can’t just hug her or soothe her like I used to, she’s more in the world than ever before, her turning 13, and I can’t shield her. I put all my feelings completely aside because I thought I had to, to take her to CAMHS, because I wanted to be there for her, and felt like my feelings would get in the way and CAMHS is about her, not me. Someone also upset my daughter pretty darn hard. Life shattering stuff. And I’m still really freaking angry about it. They’ve engaged that mother lion in me, and it’s not going back to sleep. CAMHS people said, “You should show her that your upset too”, and then the crisis team said exactly the same thing, so i cried in front of her and it was a big deal to me and she said, “I don’t think I’ve even seen you cry before”, and I thought how wrong is that? I’m telling her, hey, your feelings are okay, and I validate them, while hiding my feelings from her. Showing feelings is obviously something that’s completely alien to me.

Anyway, I cried in front of my daughter and then something happened that I didn’t expect to happen, my daughter started talking to me more about her feelings, and sharing things, and crying with me. We got closer because of it. I was really expecting the opposite to happen. She has developed because I have been honest with her about my feelings. She needs to see me be emotional so she knows she can be emotional. You can give your kids all the good advice, but it’s what you show them that really matters, and I even knew that already but I had to be told.

So, me sitting here crying right now is a good thing, not that anyone else would see it that way, because I’m feeling the things despite really not wanting to, my stomach is absolutely hurting so bad from being upset, but I think I’m going to go get subway in a minute. I had to take my daughter to CAMHS today, hence all the feels. It’s really hard when she has appointments that are like mine because it’s almost like history repeating itself, even though she’s there for entirely different reasons. It just feels so wrong, so out of order and backward. I’m so glad she is getting help though and it is kind of soothing in that respect, because she’s getting help I really needed but didn’t get until after she was born. She’s getting it when she needs it, and in a way, I feel like I’m healing myself by doing it. When I was pregnant, I made promises to her, that if she needed help I’d fight for it, and that I’d love her enough to notice, and I’m doing that, and I’ve got her that. The people she are seeing are also really really lovely so that helps a lot and she likes them a lot too, most importantly.

Other noticeable feelings:-

I’m really sad about Chester Bennington, I was too not feeling anything to feel that properly.
I’m annoyed on a daily basis with the shit Donald Trump does.
I’m really sad about Dolores O’Riordan of the Cranberries. Both the Cranberries and Linkin Park were there for me when no one else was. Linger, Ode to my family, papercut, yeah.
When a snowflake falls and people buy 6 loaves of bread for 3 days so there’s no bread left for anyone. Sad faces.

I’ll probably post a “stuff that’s been getting me through this crap” at some point, but there’s an easier way to find out and it’s my instagram. @rhiobujo  because I draw this stuff in my bullet journal and it really freaking helps. I’m also completely and totally obsessed with lush products, omg, it’s like BATHING IN SPACE OMG. I’ve been trying to get everyone to go to lush haha. Get Intergalactic bath bomb seriously, it’s like bathing in space. Amazing. I’m also in love with my coloured pencils and stuff. Get twilight stuff also, because that stuff is relaxing AF and I don’t/can’t relax normally, but I have the shower jelly, the shower gel, the sleepy cream, the bath bombs and honestly it’s like diazepam. I’m sat on the sofa after it like all zonked out on twilight and my daughter was like, “What happened to you?” haha, so i made her try the sleepy cream and she said, “I don’t like it, it makes me feel sleepy”, so I said, “that’s what being relaxed is”, “I still don’t like it”. Bless her.

 

 

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Categories: Blog, Weekend Coffee Share

2 replies

  1. I hope writing it all out helps. Another step in owning your feelings.

    Like

  2. DJTrump needs to wander out into traffic. On the turnpike. During rush hour.

    Like

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