Well that’s weird.
I was thinking about posting here for some reason I don’t know and then find out it’s been exactly a year since I posted.
It’s weird because I seem to be so hard wired to be in a routine that I often, thanks to Facebook memories, find myself doing stuff on the exact same days, or thinking about something and I don’t know why, and I open up Facebook and it’s like oh, because it’s been exactly x years today since I did that.
I’m in the process of gaining weight again, so that’s fun (which means really not fun, and my mental health is in the toilet because of it and my joints hurt because I have actually already gained weight and it doesn’t spread out for a while so I’ve just added a bunch of weight to my damn joints and I couldn’t walk for a whole day). I have been drinking that Huel stuff to gain weight. I basically only eat food once a day and I’m gaining weight and it’s blowing my mind.
Why on earth would you do that?
Well, because I hate food now. I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to buy it, I don’t see the point of cooking it, I don’t see the point of making any effort with it because it’s BORING like ironing I detest that I have to do it at all, and I don’t even enjoy food if I have to eat it so damn often. So Huel came along and was like, oh hey, just drink me twice a day and that’s 1,000 calories and then what you normally eat. There’s been much discussion over whether this is enabling my eating disorder, probably, and if this would be recommended to me by treatment people, probably not, but they wouldn’t recommend what I was doing before either.
I’ve also had pretty bad blood sugar problems, and digestive function issues if I eat in the day time, it’s almost like my body clock is just broken (Im eating when my body wants me to be asleep, and despite the fact I’ve been doing this Huel thing for FOUR MONTHS this month and consuming them AT THE EXACT SAME TIME EVERYDAY I still do not get hungry AT ALL in the day time, but as soon as 5pm hits, I’m hungry that’s like my body’s breakfast time, and then Im hungry at 8-9pm (lunch), and then Im hungry at 12am-1am (dinner), but thanks to meds I sleep when normal humans do, because they knock me out) and I’ve tried EVERYTHING to like reset the damn thing, but basically I just can’t eat in the day without being in severe digestive distress and having to stay near facilities, feeling really sick, or having reactive hypoglycaemia and feeling like I’m going to pass out and my blood sugar being at 3.0 despite the fact no I wasn’t that underweight and despite the fact that if I didn’t eat anything all day this hypo thing wouldn’t happen. Anyway, Huel is liquid and my body feels like I haven’t eaten anything, my digestion has improved massively and it’s also low GI so I have had less hypos, they still happen, but not as much. I don’t really understand what is going on here, it’s basically what I would have eaten in the day anyway, but it doesn’t cause the same issues? It’s easier too, because feeling violently not hungry doesn’t mean I can’t drink something and I’m drinking Huel. It works, I guess, and I was SUPER SKEPTICAL of this thing, and was expecting it to fail and not work, and it did work. So that’s proof it works haha.
My daughter is 14 now.
She’s a proper teenager which is fun, no this fun actually means awesome, she is very awesome. She’s very much her own person now, and I’ve realised in all the ways that we are different, and that makes me love her even more, even though loving her more has not ever felt possible because I love her so much.
In some ways, we are really different, and the teenage years so far have definitely been a learning process. Things that worked for 12 year old daughter DO NOT WORK AT ALL for 14 year old daughter. Also because we are so different, things that work for me, definitely do not work for her. I can be pushed and encouraged into doing something, recovery, art, cleaning, my daughter, oh my goodness, do not push or encourage her too much, she will throw down her anchors. I took her to paediatrics for her hypermobility issues (oh yeah she has hypermobility and it explains a lot of the problems I’ve explained here before and comes with it’s own type of sensory issues, because her spacial awareness sense thing is practically non existent so her other senses are constantly FIRED UP) and they wrote on the form “Daughter CAN NOT be pushed” like trying to get her to do an exercise she needs to do for her hypermobility issues, or trying to get her to try a food the dietitian she had to see says.
She always gets to where she needs to be, always, but she needs to be left to do it in her own time and she’s usually really funny with it, the dietitian we saw, he was nice and everything and was really supportive of daughter because daughter is also a vegetarian now and that restricts her diet pretty heavily because of her texture issues and he didn’t say, BUT WHY, he said, oh okay, well then you need to try this food. But he just so happened to mention in passing, his thoughts on the flu jab, and that it seems to give him the flu and my daughter came out of the appointment and we were discussing on the way home, “So hey maybe we can get you this, since he suggested this” and she said “Oh okay but, why would I listen to the advice and why do I have to do it, if he thinks flu jab gives him the flu?” and I’m too “Hahahahahahaha, I know right” to take it any further. We laugh A LOT. She’s incredibly quick witted and intelligent. But she did try all that food, a couple of months later, on her own terms, and in her own time, and some of it she still eats now. She had to go to a dietitian because everyone and I was worried because she likes to eat the exact same things everyday, but it’s still a pretty rounded healthy diet, and with her anxiety and sensory stuff, she’s always found routine very comforting. Something I find I do, but for me it’s very subconscious, for her it’s very deliberate.
She’s acing school, she regularly comes home with tests that are 100% even if there was an essay question and I’m like how tf did you do that? You’re a little genius! I never did that well in school, I did well, but I think she’s way more intelligent than I was. She currently wants to be a doctor, but that might change, and I’d be proud of her if she ditched it all and followed her creativity too (she does art and loves photography). She loves helping people though so I can imagine her being a doctor, she joined amnesty international for her 14th birthday, and is highly driven by her morals in that regard. She’s just amazing and makes me feel incredibly lucky everyday.
I’ve still been doing “comics” but they’ve changed a lot, and I also do realism now, over on @rhiobujo on instagram. I do them on paper now instead. It’s been so fun learning.
My comics look like this now:-
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My original character redesign! I decided to redesign my characters because my other ones weren’t really posable due to their proportions so I had to draw them straight on constantly and they were stuck that way, they couldn’t hug. Now, they can finally hug Yaaaay! They’ve been wanting to hug this whole time so they look happy and because I’ve changed the faces they can be more expressive this is my proud mum face! I spent the entire day of the 5th just sketching with my pencil and then more sketching and then more sketching in my practise journal. I checked I could pose them and this was my proof of concept draw that they can hug and stuff and wanted to check they still looked cute coloured in. The colouring is a little streaky because I drew this on the back of the cat realism drawing and I’d used a knife on that so you can see where I used a knife! I didn’t want to waste a page in this book though haha! What do you think? Coloured with polychromos and luminance pencils . . . . . . . . . . . #illustration #illustrations #bulletjournal #bulletjournalcommunity #artjournal #visualjournal #visualjournaling #polychromos #luminance #instaart #art #artist #artoftheweek
And my realism:-
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“Heart made of glass, my mind of stone, tear me to pieces, skin to bone, hello welcome home” – Billie Eilish lovely. As soon as I saw the quote “heart made of glass, mind of stone” I thought it perfectly described stuff I deal with and I just had to draw it, so I drew a heart made of glass! It was a little bit too hard for my skill level haha, but I wanted to draw it so much and did learn a lot through some of my mistakes drawing and colouring this so I’m glad I decided to do it. I drew and coloured this heart with luminance pencils, polychromos pencils and the white and some black I used posca PC 1M markers in my @strathmoreart Bristol Vellum Visual journal . . . . . . . . . . . . . #visualjournaling #luminance #polychromos #artwork #art #coloredpencils #colouredpencils #sketchbook #artoftheday #posca #heart #instaart #colorart #artistic #colourful #colour #bulletjournalcommunity #artstagram
I colour them with coloured pencils and use polychromos and luminance pencils. I’m always trying to get better at stuff.
Colouring helps. I ended up doing this because I started bullet journalling, and wanted it to be more colourful but I seem to have migrated to doing actual purposeful art for the sake of art now.
Anyway, that’s the update portion complete so I can come and write stuff.
How are you?