I’ve reached that part of weight gain where I a, look pregnant whenever my mouth touches food, and b, have all the damn emotions.
I don’t really care what I look like at all, I found one size fits most leggings from Blue Banana and they are saving me right now, also they are space leggings so…. They speak to me and I LOVE THEM.
Talking of being in love with random crap, one of the reasons I’ve always used not eating as a coping mechanism is because it calms me the heck down. It’s pretty clear I have borderline personality disorder, when I am eating properly, everything is exhausting. I’m very sad, very angry, and euphoric in the space of an hour. I am extreme in feeling these things, when I’m very sad I am deathly depressed, when I am angry I am absolutely livid (and I’m an internal angry type person so I usually hate myself for being angry even if I did have a reason to be angry). There is no grey, only black or white. I can sometimes see it happening like I’m watching myself be this angry person, and still cant do anything about it. I can’t think different, or “think positive” or any of that other crap people like to say. If you can do that, it blows my mind, because I cannot. I have to ride the damn emotion out until it goes away on it’s own or I get a new one and jump on an entirely different rollercoaster.
I also get what people refer to as “positive emotions” this way but saying there are positive and negative emotions is just as unhealthy as saying there is good or bad food.
However, I can never tell if these “positive emotions” are part of my disorder or what I really feel (*launches into singing Muse – Madness*). When I am absolutely livid, part of me knows I’m not actually that livid over the stupidest of crap, because I laugh about it or get embarrassed later for over reacting, when I’ve calmed down enough to see I am over reacting. I’m also very new at dealing with it, because like I said, I have always used lack of food to make these feelings less, well, crazy.
There is only one emotion that I’ve ever had that feels normal to me, the love I have for my daughter. Love for her has only ever got stronger everyday and she’s in this bubble, I don’t get overly angry, sad, etc over anything she does, even though I had to clean the kitchen this morning because she decided to play bin tetris, balancing loads of rubbish on the bin instead of getting a new one. Instead I usually find what she does funny, really? Bin tetris? It was more work balancing stuff on the bin than getting a new one, haha. We don’t even argue, ever. We talk, and everything is always so calm.
Through journalling, one of the things I’ve noticed helps me is focusing on the things I have INTENSE love for. My daughter, Mass Effect, anything space related, coloured pencils, and THE BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. I love that I feel this way, and sometimes even feel sad that other people don’t. The joy I get from these things keeps me, well, thinking that this life thing is pretty okay at times.
There’s one of these feelings though, where I do not know if it’s real or not. People say, if you have to ask then it isn’t, but I don’t believe that to be true for me. The insane anger I feel over Brexit is real, I maybe feeling it too much, but it’s still real nonetheless. I really hate everything that’s going on with Brexit and I find the whole thing incredibly stupid, but I can still overreact about it and then I usually have to ask, hey, am I overreacting? Because I don’t have a clue if I am or not. Therefore, this feeling I feel could be an overreaction of what it actually is and I am aware of this, despite still feeling it intensely.
Basically, I have run away from good feelings, as much as I have run away from bad. The intensity of which I feel is scary, and makes me panic. Because I think of how this thing could go absolutely horribly wrong, or in this case, get horribly rejected. So it’s safer for me to feel this thing on my own, and listen to unrequited love songs. I know how this goes, my entire relationship life is the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind over and over again. I find someone, I think I love them passionately, I get bored and fall out of love as fast as it began, I delete and never even think about them again because it probably wasn’t even love in the first place, it can’t be because I’m not even sad when it’s over. It’s a relief to me that I’m not with them no more. I’m so much happier without them.
Conversely, when my daughter is away, it makes me realise exactly how much I miss her, and how she’s the most awesome person in the world. She’s in school right now and I miss her, I will see her in an hour, and I can’t wait. That’s love right?
But this person is different I think. I haven’t got bored of thinking about them and I still feel the same. But my nurse said, “Maybe it being unobtainable is making you feel safe”. And she might be right because it is, it’s been YEARS. If there was ever a chance, I missed that. What if I only feel this because I know I can’t have it, what if I’m allowing myself to feel, because it wont go away or get ruined if nothing happens.
But that’s what I’ve been dealing with anyway, thinking about someone, which was definitely something Ive run away from while still allowing myself to feel it.
One thing though, feeling all this stuff makes art easier, so I guess there’s that, now if I could stop staring longingly out the window…